About Agile

Throughout the ages people never seemed to get any work done. Planning projects was total chaos. Then the god Ag came and from chaos we were given order in the form of Agile (which is not a cult).

Knowing Agile is slowly becoming an important part of every business. Programming in C/C++, Java, Javascript, that's easy, anyone can write code. But having the skill of standing in a circle and saying what you've been working on, what you will be working on, and if you have any blockers, that takes pure talent. Even more so, rising to the ranks of a Scrum Master and being able to point to or say the name of everyone in the circle and write down how many points they've completed. Having skills like these can land you a job at any legitimate business that believes in Agile.

To be a member of The Church of Agile simply means following the Agile process. The process starts with forming a team of no more than 7 members. At the start of a sprint everyone must get together for a planning meeting and figure out what task cards will be created for the sprint. Every day of the sprint, forward progress must be interrupted so everyone can stand in a circle called a scrum and say what they did since the last stand-up meeting, what they will be working on, and when they are finished talking they will say "no blockers" letting the person to the right of them know that it is their turn to talk. At the end of the sprint is a retrospective meeting which includes demonstration in front of the team and product manager, which usually involves running tests or showing random numbers moving that no one knows what they mean and then talking about everything wrong with the group, the project, and the company. The punishment for not following these rules correctly is to have 1 to 2 hour long meeting on how to have meetings.

Every Agilian is required to tell everyone they know about how great Agile is. That includes co-workers, friends, your grandmother, and your neighbors in the form of door to door "friendly visits". While explaining Agile make sure you appear to be brainwashed by some kind of cult (which Agile is clearly not). The creepier the better. While you're at it, spread around this website.

There are other sects that have broken off from The Church Of Agile including Kanban and Variant Agile (commonly known as Vagile). We consider these people to be traitors with false beliefs.

Terminology

• Scrum: This is where Agilians stand in a circle every day and say what they are working on. The scrum is always conducted in a counter-clockwise direction symbolizing an attempt to get back time lost while standing in the scrum.
• Fire-Hazard Scrum: This is a scrum that takes place in a hallway or blocking a door to the building making it impossible for bystanders to get by without breaking the sacred circle.
• The Distraction Scrum: A scrum that takes place in the middle of an area where people are trying to get actual work done. Often this occurs directly behind some unfortunate bastard sitting at their desk deep into code but is now being forced to listen in. This style of scrum violates The Inconsiderate Act of 2001.
• Supersize Me Scrum: A scrum with so many members that it becomes unhealthy like a person who can't stop eating a truckload of fast food.
• Kentucky Fried Scrum: This is a scrum where the ratio of chickens to people who actually do anything useful makes you wonder how the company stays in business.
• The Double Scrum: Being invited to two or more scrums during the day. Good luck getting any work done.

The Scrumpocolypse

The Great Agilian Prophecy warns about the upcoming Scrumpocolypse that we must prepare for. The warning signs of the Scrumpocolypse come to us in the form of four horsemen:

• Horseman 1 - Pestilence: It starts when some jack-ass comes to work with the flu and coughs on everyone. Soon everyone in the sprint is sick as hell and no one is at work. This horseman could have been stopped by keeping sick co-workers at home, but unfortunately people are too irresponsible or scared to take time off to get healthy. This horseman has also been known to strike by infecting the company lunch with the stomach flu. In this case the horseman could have been stopped if people just washed their hands after taking a dump.
• Horseman 2 - War: This comes about when two people argue about a project. This often starts from a code-review where the person reviewing the code insists the writer of the code must use some kind of crappy, unreadable Boost container while the writer of the code thinks Boost eats balls. This horseman could have been stopped by putting people in teams that have a similar coding style, but unfortunately sometimes management just doesn't get it.
• Horseman 3 - Famine: This happens when sprint retrospective or planning meetings bleed into lunch time. Signs of famine are easily agitated co-workers or shaking hands from low blood sugar. This horseman could be avoided by having the meeting at a more appropriate time of day, getting to the point quicker instead of blabbing on and on about crap, or just taking a break.
• Horseman 4 - Re-org: The arrival of this horseman is a very bad sign. People will be moved to new teams. People will be canned. This is a great sign that the company is about to be sold or go under. The people who survive are highly recommended to update their resume.

This is a picture of the Horseman 4 as he escorts a canned employee out of the office.