10 Commandments |
The Agilian Order |
The Agilian Order
- The hipster: Lowest level of the Agilian order. Hipsters love Agile, but
haven't risen to the ranks of the Scrum Master.
- The Product Manager: A figurehead who is supposed to "own" the project
but in reality either does nothing to keep it moving or keeps changing
requirements hindering the project from actually getting done.
- The Chicken: A jackass with nothing better to do in the company than
to show up at the scrum to listen in.
- Scrum Master: Next level up from the hipster, the Scrum Master holds
the wisdom in running a scrum.
- The Agilian Priest: After years of hard work being a Scrum Master,
an Agilist may become an Agilian Priest. Priests get paid inexcusable
amounts of money to teach others about Agile.
- The Agile Coach: A complete and total scam. Agile is *NOT*
that difficult, yet some companies pay disgusting amounts of money to
have someone assist with it. WTF.
Other Important Members of Agile
- The Long Talker: The person who loves the sound of their own voice and
won't shut the hell up during the scrum. Topics of scrum derailment
include: all success / failures of what they worked on, computer system
malfunctions, and the names of every person they talked to in the past
- The Derailer: Very important to the Agile Retrospective, this is the
person who, just when you think the meeting is over decides to go on a
long winded rant about crap nobody cares about.
- The Boss: An individual who never shows up to the scrum meeting and ends
up interrupting you near the end of your day to ask "What are you working on today?"
- The Tardy: The person or groups of people who never show up on time
for the scrum causing the scrum master to go out and hunt them down.
This causes the good members of the team to lose 3 to 10 minutes of work
time every day standing around for no reason.
- The Demonstrator: Spends 30 minutes demonstrating their
accomplishments that no one cares about. Topics include running
tests that state "PASS!!!" or software that spits out random numbers.
- HBOer: The person who comes to the meetings and wants to talk about
the latest Game of Thrones, Westworld, or Silicon Valley episode.
- The Sloth: The person who speaks so slow, maybe with lots of
awkward pauses and "umms" that it takes 5 minutes to get 15 seconds of
- The Mumbler: The person who no one can ever understand what the hell they are
saying during the scrum. Most likely no one cares anyway.
- The Clog: Just like a toilet with a big dense turd stuck in the pipe
hindering the flow of water, this is the person in the scrum who even though
everyone else can answer the 3 questions in less than 30 seconds, this person
takes minutes stopping the fast pace flow of information.
- The Git Lover: The person who always wants to make you think "theirs"
is bigger by spouting off some long-ass git command-line garbage to do something
that should be really simple.
Note: There is no deacon in the Church Of Agile despite what some
people think (you know who you are).
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