10 Commandments |
The Agilian Order |
Throughout the ages people never seemed to get any work done.
Planning projects was total chaos. Then the god Ag came and
from chaos we were given order in the form of Agile (which is
not a cult).
Knowing Agile is slowly becoming an important part of every
anyone can write code. But having the skill of standing in a
circle and saying what you've been working on, what you will be
working on, and if you have any blockers, that takes pure talent.
Even more so, rising to the ranks of a Scrum Master and being able
to point to or say the name of everyone in the circle and write
down how many points they've completed. Having skills like these
can land you a job at any legitimate business that believes in
To be a member of The Church of Agile simply means following
the Agile process. The process starts with forming a team of
no more than 7 members. At the start of a sprint everyone must
get together for a planning meeting and figure out what task cards
will be created for the sprint. Every day of the sprint, forward
progress must be interrupted so everyone can stand in a circle
called a scrum and say what they did since the last stand-up meeting, what
they will be working on, and when they are finished talking they
will say "no blockers" letting the next person in the circle know
that it is their turn to talk. At the end of the sprint is a
retrospective meeting which includes demonstration in front of
the team and product manager, which usually
involves running tests or showing random numbers moving that no
one knows what they mean and then talking about everything wrong
with the group, the project, and the company. The punishment for
not following these rules correctly is to have 1 to 2 hour long
meeting on how to have meetings.
Every Agilian is required to tell everyone they know about
how great Agile is. That includes co-workers, friends, your
grandmother, and your neighbors in the form of door to door
friendly visits. While explaining Agile make sure you appear
to be brainwashed by some kind of cult (which Agile is clearly not).
The creepier the better. While you're at it, spread around this
There are other sects that have broken off from The Church Of Agile
including Kanban and Vagile. We consider these people to be traitors
with false beliefs.
This is where Agilians stand in a circle every day and say what they
are working on. The scrum is always conducted in a counter-clockwise
direction symbolizing an attempt to get back time lost while standing in
- Fire-Hazard Scrum: This is a scrum that takes place in a hallway or
blocking a door to the building making it impossible for bystanders to
get by without breaking the sacred circle.
- The Distraction Scrum: A scrum that takes place in the middle of an
area where people are trying to get actual work done. Often this occurs
directly behind some unfortunate bastard sitting at their desk deep
into code but is now being forced to listen in. This style of scrum
violates The Inconsiderate Act of 2001.
- Supersize Me Scrum: A scrum with so many members that it becomes
unhealthy like a person who can't stop eating a truckload of fast
- Kentucky Fried Scrum: This is a scrum where the ratio of chickens
to people who actually do anything useful makes you wonder how the
company stays in business.
- The Double Scrum: Being invited to two or more scrums during the
day. Good luck getting any work done.
The Great Agilian Prophecy warns about the upcoming Scrumpocolypse that
we must prepare for. The warning signs of the Scrumpocolypse come to us in
the form of four horsemen:
- Horseman 1 - Pestilence: It starts when some jack-ass comes to work
with the flu and coughs on everyone. Soon everyone in the sprint is sick
as hell and no one is at work. This horseman could have been stopped
by keeping sick co-workers at home, but unfortunately people are too
irresponsible or scared to take time off to get healthy.
This horseman has also been known to strike by infecting the company
lunch with the stomach flu. In this case the horseman could have
been stopped if people just washed their hands after taking a dump.
- Horseman 2 - War: This comes about when two people argue about a
project. This often starts from a code-review where the person
reviewing the code insists the writer of the code must use some kind of
crappy, unreadable Boost container while the writer of the code thinks
Boost eats balls. This horseman could have been stopped by putting
people in teams that have a similar coding style, but unfortunately
sometimes management just doesn't get it.
- Horseman 3 - Famine: This happens when sprint retrospective or planning
meetings bleed into lunch time. Signs of famine are easily agitated co-workers
or shaking hands from low blood sugar. This horseman could be avoided
by having the meeting at a more appropriate time of day, getting to the
point quicker instead of blabbing on and on about crap, or just taking a
- Horseman 4 - Re-org: The arrival of this horseman is a very bad sign.
People will be moved to new teams. People will be canned. This is a great
sign that the company is about to be sold or go under. The people who
survive are highly recommended to update their resume.
This is a picture of the Horseman 4 as he escorts a canned
employee out of the office.
Copyright 2018 - Luthor The High Priest (firstname.lastname@example.org)